It's been rough lately. Sometimes, downright discouraging. My disease has focused in on my GI tract and it just doesn't seem to want to relent. I am in a constant state of intestinal inflammation. I can't eat anything without expecting severe pain and a toilet full of blood...and really I have come to expect those things whether I eat or not.
It's hard to sleep because, even when my mind and body is weak and exhausted, the cellular war in my gut is going on 24/7, increasing my metabolic demands and my heart rate around the clock. I've learned to knock myself out with pills so that, at the very least, I can get a couple hours of sleep between trips to the bathroom. Parenteral nutrition is the only thing keeping me from wasting away to nothing.
But I think the hardest part of all this is just not being able to do anything. I may last a couple hours at the office before I have to come home and lay down. I'm almost exclusively working from home unless there is a meeting or specific need for me to leave. Although this sort of flexibility is why I have the job I have, I hate the fact that I'm not interacting with people. And even more, I hate the fact that when I'm out in the world I feel so ill I don't even want to interact with people. It makes it harder to see the point of all this.
But I know it will pass. It's just a season and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I still have a lot to be thankful for and a lot of supportive people around me. I'm beginning to realize the value of accepting that I am sick and that it's okay to let people help me and pray for me. I'm beginning to see the point of humbling myself; it's an important part of accepting where God has placed me.
As I've read more of Dietrich Bonhoeffer's biography, I've realized the value of community. True community is referenced in Paul's 1st letter to the Thessalonians when he tells them what a joy it was not only to share the gospel, but to share their lives. This sort of fellowship requires vulnerability and honesty about who we are and what we're dealing with.
Speaking of reading books, I'll post a list of my year's reading list soon!
So sorry to hear this, but you remain in my prayers. This time of year......sigh....is always hard anyway but it's just that much worse when you don't feel good.
ReplyDeleteI have recognized the worth of being humbled myself, and can certainly attest to it being a very important lesson in life.
Hang in there and know that you are always in many people's thoughts and prayers. God has already done much through you. God Bless
Thank you so much for sharing, Aaron. You are a remarkable individual, who I am so fortunate to know! You continue to be in my prayers... ~Makala
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